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Overall, men in either case report also having a difficult time finding what they label "attractive" women for longer-term relationships. In fact, many of these men are former virgins and "nice guys" who previously could not get their physical needs addressed. When punishments weight more heavily, people avoid those same behaviors. This approach takes constant effort though—both in the man maintaining his own standards, and in his motivating and inspiring others to do so too. Unfortunately, these qualities are again part of women's double bind, with social norms sometimes guiding them away from these biologically feminine characteristics. Outside of traditional and religious areas, or very progressive arrangements, the majority of men and women are struggling. What Some Men Do About It Men have adapted and devised a number of strategies to make the best of these difficult options, including the following: When rewards outweigh punishment , people perform behaviors.
In contrast, if they follow more "assertive" biological imperatives, they are labeled "jerks" and "players"—who may get sexual gratification, but not love or respect from what they would consider a "good woman". Unfortunately, these qualities are again part of women's double bind, with social norms sometimes guiding them away from these biologically feminine characteristics. However, these efforts are often met with a partner who is attracted to them, respectful, and attractive for them too. However, these men are often punished by being socially labeled as "jerks", "players", or even "creeps", unfit for socially-defined relationships. When rewards outweigh punishment , people perform behaviors. Therefore, these men may get sex, but they often do not get love and respect. These men further qualify and screen partners well, not selling themselves short for less than they deserve. They are caught between conflicting social demands and biological motivations. I wish you the best The men that I speak with and who commented on my last post lament about being in a "no win situation" in modern dating. For more on that approach see here , here , here , and here. Essentially, they seem to have to either appease social norms for relationships and acceptance or evolved standards of attractiveness and get sexual fulfillment. Double-binds and unknown frustrations, however, can be explained. Although these guys are often socially-shamed as "not growing up", in fact, they are arguably just reacting to the lack of outside motivation We are all motivated to seek out rewards and avoid punishments Skinner, If they follow what society tells them to do, they often end up "good guys" who are taken advantage of, mistreated, and disrespected. Finally, remember to share, like, tweet, and comment below. Make sure you get the next article too! Essentially, many men report that they find modern dating a primarily punishing affair. Men often define these women along evolutionary psychology lines—women who are sexually-selective, faithful, physically attractive, and have a pleasant, respectful disposition for more on these qualities, see Buss, and my own articles here and here. Changing social norms has allowed few avenues by which they can be both acceptable as a relationship partner and attractive as a sex partner. So, until a new equilibrium is reached in these evolving social norms, men have difficult choices to make. They also treat partners equitably according to their behavior, worth, and contributions to the relationship. Outside of traditional and religious areas, or very progressive arrangements, the majority of men and women are struggling. With divorce a very real and punishing possibility, these men may also choose to think carefully before committing. Today, men are given confusing and contradictory advice. With this strategy, men are often able to fulfill their short-term sexual needs—especially within the modern, socially-sanctioned climate of "hook-ups" and causal encounters.
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