10 funny rules for dating my daughter
Places where there is darkness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Someday when I have kids as Ian would say:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Places where there is darkness. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. Do not trifle with me. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. Please do not do this. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
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